Tragedy Strikes

A string of truly tragic murder sprees has just taken place throughout MLB.


Every Yankee position player other than Alex Rodriguez and Robinson Cano has been murdered execution style.

In Atlanta, the Braves position players were brutally murdered via hanging. The only survivors are the oft-injured left side of the infield, Chipper Jones and Edgar Renteria.

In the tragedy that strikes closest to my heart, every Phillies position player other than the dynamic duo of Chase Utley and Jimmy Rollins was slaughtered (Ryan Howard is actually still live, of course, but he's off hunting the perps).

Finally, the only two non-pitching Mets still breathing are David Wright and Carlos Beltran.

What do these 4 tragedies have in common beyond the fact that they are clearly directed at MLB teams? Well, now the offenses of those 4 teams are equivalent, within a few runs over the course of a season, to that of the San Diego Padres.
The potentially playoff-bound Padres have accumulated a total offensive VORP of 134.4 to his point in the season, a total approximately equaled by A-Rod and Cano (129), Chipper and Renteria (123.2), Rollins and Utley (130.6), and Wright and Beltran (126.1).
Now, of course, there are two sides to the baseball coin, and the Padres pitch very well, but COME ON!!! I've seen players in the Pacific Crackhead League (High-A ball) hit better than Marcus Giles and Khalil Greene, who by the way have combined for over 1000 plate appearances and an astounding 11.8 VORP. The Phillies' Pat Burrell, who has hit well for 2 months this season and some would say (though I believe, incorrectly) that he has hit well for 2 months in the last 4 years, would be the most valuable hitter on the Padres, as his 34.7 VORP exceeds that of Pads' team leader, Adrian Gonzalez (31.4). Pat is the Phils' 5th most valuable hitter by this metric (which by the way, is park-adjusted, meaning the difference between PETCO Park and Citizens Bank Park is accounted for).
If the Padres were smart, here's what they would do: euthanize every position player on the team, skin them, and then use the skin and bones to create a protective, armor-type sheath for Jake Peavy's arm, because that's what separates them from the Pirates, despite what a baffling string of ludicrous late-inning victories might say.